sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
