I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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