Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
