The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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