You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
