I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
