Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
