he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
