Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
