Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
