She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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