Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
