Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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