Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
