I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
