I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
