he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
