I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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