Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
