Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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