I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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