drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
