he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
