Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
