meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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