alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
