it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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