he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
