So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
