Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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