Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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