How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
