i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
