I want to make a zoo with you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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