i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He? As in you personified your dick?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
