fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
