I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
