I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
