Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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