You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
