i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize