I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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