I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
