What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
