Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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