you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
