I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
