what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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