We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
