I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize