I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
