My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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