never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
time to smoke my breakfast
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
