Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
