if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also, beer. Big fan.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
