so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize