im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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