So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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