I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
