it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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