my being single is dangerous.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
