I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
