before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
