I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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